Around Me

We've all been there: putting makeup around our eyes, fancy hats on our heads, colorful dresses on our shoulders, just so that when people see us they see, not only us, but who we would like to become. Putting enhancements on our facial expressions and torso is an education to those around us, even a rehearsal for the future. However, the multiple messages we are so desperate to tower upon ourselves, more often than never, cloud the vision when others are trying to see us.

The body is only a small fragile platform. Our life is the real one. 

As a christian, I care a great deal about how I live and love, which also means that the self is always larger than the body and visible. As one of my friends has recently pointed out, we can never nor ever really have a clear view or understanding of ourselves, or who we want to become. I believe the desire to know things is one of many weaknesses the human race has to endure, but I also find it soothing that when we don't know,  it's not because we're not trying hard enough, but simply because we were wired that way from the very beginning.

Which is why the whole thing makes me appreciate "I know that I do not know" from Socrates a lot more, and in addition makes me realize the importance of having a wider viewpoint about our life in this world.

So with this I am starting to have a new desire, that I will have the wisdom and grace to choose thing to place around me, and not putting things on me. But most of all, I am starting to hope and desire for a state that never stops "understanding", and not "knowing".

All Things Predictable

I've never been the kind of person who invests time trying new things; the world, to me, has always been horribly easy about change, leaving me in a constant state of yearning for stability and all things predictable. I prefer revisiting old experiences, cafés and bookshops, places I have been, known, and become familiar with. I like the security of knowing what I'm heading for.

Books have been, from a certain time early in my life, a familiar companion. Constantly looking for new books is actually, as I have recently come to realize, not an exception to my sense of security. Though never altogether in one single book, the calming sense of predictability is this: that somewhere, in some language, is a character who has the same brokenness, doubts and longings just as I have had. Suddenly my own life has also become predictable; some author has already imagined/experienced it all for me, and the future becomes slightly lucid. 

It is absurd to say one's identity is in books,  but I guess in my case it is reasonable to say that my sense of self is in a book somewhere. At least, at the age of 25, this is one of the many things I have come to believe.

The Plan

I suddenly realized this is all part of a plan, a plan where I am free from endless goals of the future and the blindness of chasing... I was a captive of my own goals, now there is freedom in not knowing.

The truth is I know too little about my strengths and weaknesses, my ability for the future, and the setbacks of always being "right": being wrong, in the right places and right time, can be a huge blessing.

And freedom was something I have sworn never to give up on; this is life helping me keep my promise, this is my God keeping His promise to me. 

永恆

如果有一趟旅行，你會渡過美好的時光，但是旅途結束時所有的照片與紀錄都會遺失，你也會失憶，完全不記得這趟旅行發生過，你還會出發嗎？

原來人追求的都是回憶，而不以當下經歷的美好為足夠。

我相信我是受祝福的，我相信我的破碎讓我更能原諒，我也相信萬物都將各按其時成為美好。我相信我可以走到很遠很遠的地方。

原來這些明亮的想法已經足夠成為夢想。原來成長痛讓人更加相信將到之地會多麼美好。原來一早有人幫我拍下短暫快樂就是扎實的幸福，無論多年後我是否記得此刻。

原諒

科學家有個理論，關於喜愛極限運動的人；他們說這些人往往都對刺激的需求比較高，一般人簡易可以得到刺激進而得到的快樂方式對他們而言是無感的，因此他們需要尋求比常人更激烈的快樂才能得到滿足，這也就是為什麼極限運動者往往不會只喜歡一種運動。

25歲確實是個分水嶺，並且已經到了生活中幾乎每天都有或大或小的事件提醒我的地步。是我神經質也好，生命狠下心要磨練我也罷，自己與世界的不同再也不是件需要習慣的事，反而迫切需要發展。我從小不刻意追求什麼，第二名不追求第一、表現好不要求卓越，我安樂於臉不紅氣不喘的快樂。可是最近常在不覺中突然發現自己的步伐走得好快，想去的地方好遠好遠；我在追趕前面的天空，甚至有時急著拋下過去躺臥的草原。然而在疲憊的時刻我也開始羨慕那些追求微小事物的人，我廣稱「命好」，因為他們的生命輕易就得滿足。

原來我也成了喜愛極限運動的人。

先不論這樣言論的科學根據；我有時沉溺於於自己不學科學更非要發表研究結果之心態下的任性，好像自己亂說話變得無可苛責，畢竟日子過多了也不是天天有這種肆無忌憚的時刻。因此先不論這樣言論的科學根據，我想說的是，我喜歡這個故事 (沒確切根據的就先姑且使用「故事」這個無傷大雅的詞語吧)，我喜歡大家生來就不一樣，進而衍伸出對於不同選擇不需大驚小怪的想法。

所以請你也臉不紅氣不喘地原諒我，與過去的自己不一樣、與你的不一樣。