預留

悠閒的生活需要刻意選擇；因為事情總是主動找上門。我感到慶幸，因為目前上門的都是喜愛的，因此瓜分時間是享受，同時我在瓜分之先預留了空間給各式的信仰，以及完整的睡眠。我才明白生命中預留的重要性，因為我已經預訂了要快樂；不妥協的預留，說什麼都不。

近來研發的新嗜好是，在工作時嘴裡含一顆巧克力一邊寫一封特別困難的信、或是接下來的工作計畫，寫完時巧克力也融化了，艱澀的工作變得柔順甜美。但是幾天才可進行一次，不然就太容易被打倒了，熱量也攝取過多了。突然間，竟然也學會迎接最艱難之事。


「你不是以前最討厭花了嗎?」


可我昨天竟然覺得自己可以看一朵漂亮的花看上一整天，讓時間流逝在貪婪的注視上；在文字掛帥的世界中，學會不是所有事情都要具備無懈可擊的解釋。但也僅只是想像，我沒有這麼富裕，當我存活在時間就是金錢的世界上。


我總是心軟，竟也開始喜歡花；我愈來愈像媽媽了。

Around Me

We've all been there: putting makeup around our eyes, fancy hats on our heads, colorful dresses on our shoulders, just so that when people see us they see, not only us, but who we would like to become. Putting enhancements on our facial expressions and torso is an education to those around us, even a rehearsal for the future. However, the multiple messages we are so desperate to tower upon ourselves, more often than never, cloud the vision when others are trying to see us.

The body is only a small fragile platform. Our life is the real one. 

As a christian, I care a great deal about how I live and love, which also means that the self is always larger than the body and visible. As one of my friends has recently pointed out, we can never nor ever really have a clear view or understanding of ourselves, or who we want to become. I believe the desire to know things is one of many weaknesses the human race has to endure, but I also find it soothing that when we don't know,  it's not because we're not trying hard enough, but simply because we were wired that way from the very beginning.

Which is why the whole thing makes me appreciate "I know that I do not know" from Socrates a lot more, and in addition makes me realize the importance of having a wider viewpoint about our life in this world.

So with this I am starting to have a new desire, that I will have the wisdom and grace to choose thing to place around me, and not putting things on me. But most of all, I am starting to hope and desire for a state that never stops "understanding", and not "knowing".

All Things Predictable

I've never been the kind of person who invests time trying new things; the world, to me, has always been horribly easy about change, leaving me in a constant state of yearning for stability and all things predictable. I prefer revisiting old experiences, cafés and bookshops, places I have been, known, and become familiar with. I like the security of knowing what I'm heading for.

Books have been, from a certain time early in my life, a familiar companion. Constantly looking for new books is actually, as I have recently come to realize, not an exception to my sense of security. Though never altogether in one single book, the calming sense of predictability is this: that somewhere, in some language, is a character who has the same brokenness, doubts and longings just as I have had. Suddenly my own life has also become predictable; some author has already imagined/experienced it all for me, and the future becomes slightly lucid. 

It is absurd to say one's identity is in books,  but I guess in my case it is reasonable to say that my sense of self is in a book somewhere. At least, at the age of 25, this is one of the many things I have come to believe.

The Plan

I suddenly realized this is all part of a plan, a plan where I am free from endless goals of the future and the blindness of chasing... I was a captive of my own goals, now there is freedom in not knowing.

The truth is I know too little about my strengths and weaknesses, my ability for the future, and the setbacks of always being "right": being wrong, in the right places and right time, can be a huge blessing.

And freedom was something I have sworn never to give up on; this is life helping me keep my promise, this is my God keeping His promise to me.