All Things Predictable

I've never been the kind of person who invests time trying new things; the world, to me, has always been horribly easy about change, leaving me in a constant state of yearning for stability and all things predictable. I prefer revisiting old experiences, cafés and bookshops, places I have been, known, and become familiar with. I like the security of knowing what I'm heading for.

Books have been, from a certain time early in my life, a familiar companion. Constantly looking for new books is actually, as I have recently come to realize, not an exception to my sense of security. Though never altogether in one single book, the calming sense of predictability is this: that somewhere, in some language, is a character who has the same brokenness, doubts and longings just as I have had. Suddenly my own life has also become predictable; some author has already imagined/experienced it all for me, and the future becomes slightly lucid. 

It is absurd to say one's identity is in books,  but I guess in my case it is reasonable to say that my sense of self is in a book somewhere. At least, at the age of 25, this is one of the many things I have come to believe.

The Plan

I suddenly realized this is all part of a plan, a plan where I am free from endless goals of the future and the blindness of chasing... I was a captive of my own goals, now there is freedom in not knowing.

The truth is I know too little about my strengths and weaknesses, my ability for the future, and the setbacks of always being "right": being wrong, in the right places and right time, can be a huge blessing.

And freedom was something I have sworn never to give up on; this is life helping me keep my promise, this is my God keeping His promise to me. 

永恆

如果有一趟旅行，你會渡過美好的時光，但是旅途結束時所有的照片與紀錄都會遺失，你也會失憶，完全不記得這趟旅行發生過，你還會出發嗎？

原來人追求的都是回憶，而不以當下經歷的美好為足夠。

我相信我是受祝福的，我相信我的破碎讓我更能原諒，我也相信萬物都將各按其時成為美好。我相信我可以走到很遠很遠的地方。

原來這些明亮的想法已經足夠成為夢想。原來成長痛讓人更加相信將到之地會多麼美好。原來一早有人幫我拍下短暫快樂就是扎實的幸福，無論多年後我是否記得此刻。

原諒

科學家有個理論，關於喜愛極限運動的人；他們說這些人往往都對刺激的需求比較高，一般人簡易可以得到刺激進而得到的快樂方式對他們而言是無感的，因此他們需要尋求比常人更激烈的快樂才能得到滿足，這也就是為什麼極限運動者往往不會只喜歡一種運動。

25歲確實是個分水嶺，並且已經到了生活中幾乎每天都有或大或小的事件提醒我的地步。是我神經質也好，生命狠下心要磨練我也罷，自己與世界的不同再也不是件需要習慣的事，反而迫切需要發展。我從小不刻意追求什麼，第二名不追求第一、表現好不要求卓越，我安樂於臉不紅氣不喘的快樂。可是最近常在不覺中突然發現自己的步伐走得好快，想去的地方好遠好遠；我在追趕前面的天空，甚至有時急著拋下過去躺臥的草原。然而在疲憊的時刻我也開始羨慕那些追求微小事物的人，我廣稱「命好」，因為他們的生命輕易就得滿足。

原來我也成了喜愛極限運動的人。

先不論這樣言論的科學根據；我有時沉溺於於自己不學科學更非要發表研究結果之心態下的任性，好像自己亂說話變得無可苛責，畢竟日子過多了也不是天天有這種肆無忌憚的時刻。因此先不論這樣言論的科學根據，我想說的是，我喜歡這個故事 (沒確切根據的就先姑且使用「故事」這個無傷大雅的詞語吧)，我喜歡大家生來就不一樣，進而衍伸出對於不同選擇不需大驚小怪的想法。

所以請你也臉不紅氣不喘地原諒我，與過去的自己不一樣、與你的不一樣。